Very funny family jokes

Very funny family jokes.

Read and enjoy it. Hope you have fun when you read very funnny family jokes.

I recognized

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.

“My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!” the shaken man told the cop.

“The car hit you from behind,” the officer said. “How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?”

I RECOGNIZED

I RECOGNIZED – Very funnny family jokes.

“I recognized the laugh!” he replied.

Three Kinds

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?’

The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs. In her 20’s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm. In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions’.

‘Onions?’

‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, ‘Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?’.

THREE KINDS

THREE KINDS – Very funnny family jokes.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30’s and 40’s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50’s, it is like a Christmas Tree.’

‘A Christmas tree?’

‘Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.’

Rightful Heir

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments,

“You look terrible. What’s the problem?”

“My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.”

“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.

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RIGHTFUL HEIR

RIGHTFUL HEIR – Very funnny family jokes.

“Then in July,” the friend continued, “My father died leaving me $50,000.”

“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”

“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”

“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”

“Then this month,” continued the friend, “nothing!”

Half-sisters

One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said, “Dad, Mom, I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, Joe’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you.. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She’s a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.”

Joe was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Dianne said yes! We are getting married in June.”

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry about this.”

HALF-SISTERS

HALF-SISTERS – Very funnny family jokes.

Joe was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.

“Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married”, he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister.”

His mother just shook her head. “Don’t pay any attention to what he says, dear. He’s not really your father.”

How Much Does It Cost to Get Married?

A little boy asked his father: “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”

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And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

GET MARRIED

GET MARRIED – Very funnny family jokes.

Sexual Education

A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, “Daddy, what’s sex?”
So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperm and eggs etc. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, men and women and love…

He thinks what the hell, and tells her the works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell truth.

SEXUAL EDUCATION

SEXUAL EDUCATION – Very funnny family jokes.

The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks, “So why did you wish to know about sex?”
“Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs…”

Good Shot

Little Harry walks in the bathroom and sees his mum with no clothes on, standing in front of him, he looks up at her private parts he asks “What’s that mum?”

His mum frozen tried to think what to say, finally she came up with the following, “That’s where your dad accidentially hit me with an axe!” and little Harry replies,

GOOD SHOT

GOOD SHOT – Very funnny family jokes.

“Good shot, right in the cunt!”

Wife’s Revenge

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years. Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife’s annoyance.

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“You’ll fart your guts out one of these days,” she always complained. After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy’s arse. While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream. Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

WIFE'S REVENGE

WIFE’S REVENGE – Very funnny family jokes.

“You was right all along Missus,” the old man says, “I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push ’em back in!”

Compliment

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: ‘I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.’

He replies, ‘Your eyesight is perfect.’

COMPLIMENT

COMPLIMENT – Very funnny family jokes.

Husband’s Dream

An older couple wake up in the morning and the husband looks over at the woman and says, ‘Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had…’ And the woman replied, ‘Yes, go on tell me.’ So the husband told her. ‘I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.’ So the wife says, ‘Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.’

HUSBAND'S DREAM

HUSBAND’S DREAM – Very funnny family jokes.

The husband says, ‘No, I am sure it was a dream’.

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