Best short funny stories in english
There where two men in a building site. One of them said, “Can you help me find my ear?” The other man said, “Is this it?” The other man said, “No, mine has got a pencil behind it.”
Ear – short funny stories in english
Either Screw or Swim
Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a big smile on his face. Mike says, “Pat what are you so happy about?”
“Well Mike i gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxing my boat and a redhead came up to me boobs out to here, Mike…boobs out to here! She says, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ I said, ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat!’ So I took her way out Mike. I turned off the key and said, ‘It’s either screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim Mike, she couldn’t swim!”
The next day Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat siting at tne end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, “Well what are you so happy about today Pat?”
“Well Mike I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat and a beautiful blond came up to me…boobs out to here, Mike, boobs out to here! She said, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ I told her, ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took here way out Mike. Way out much further that the last one. I turned off the key and said, ‘It’s either screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim Mike, she couldn’t swim!”
EITHER SCREW OR SWIM – Sort funny stories in english
A couple of days pass and Mike walks into a bar to see Pat down there crying over a beer. Mike says, “Pat what are you so sad about?”
“Well Mike I gotta tell ya…yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat and the most desirable brunette came up to me…boobs way out to here Mike, boobs way out to here. She said, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ I said, ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out Mike, way way out much further than the last two!
I turned off the key, looked at her boobs and said, ‘It’s either screw or swim!’
She pulled down her pants and…She had a pecker Mike! A great big pecker! And… I can’t swim Mike! I can’t swim!”
Very Simple Operation
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.
“What’s the matter?” he was asked.
He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.'”
“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”
“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.”
Caught in the Act
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It’s after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man’s head. The wife shouts, “Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I gave you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Panther tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and He even pays the monthly dues!”
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn’t believe it: The nurse’s hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
“Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!”
Nurse – Short funny stories in english
“Oh,” said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, “It’s those darn interns! They never put anything back when they’re through using it!”
A new firefighter was being trained by an old fire chief.
“How would you react if a sudden fire flared up on the front of the building?” asked the fire chief.
“Break out a fire hose and start spraying it, chief.” answered the new firefighter.
“How would you react if another fire flared up in the back of the building?” asked the fire chief.
“Break out another fire hose and start spraying it, chief.” answered the new firefighter.
“And if another huge fire flared up in the basement, how would you react?” asked the fire chief.
NEW FIREFIGHTER – Short funny stories in english
“Break out another fire hose.” answered the new firefighter.
“Now wait a minute, son,” said the fire chief. “Where are all these fire hoses coming from?”
The new firefighter answered, “The same place where all of the fires are coming from, chief.”
A man went into a bank and almost on hands and knees, begged for a loan. He needed the money desperately to feed his family. The banker okayed the loan and in no time at all handed the borrower a check in the amount of the loan. The banker said, “I’d suggest you go right out and buy some food.”
The borrower looked at the banker indignantly and answered, “Don’t tell me what to do with my money!”
An American woman goes to England to attend a 2-week company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers, “Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”
The husband laughs and says, “An English girl.”
The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, “So, honey, how was the trip?”
“Very good, thank you.”
Present – Short funny stories in english
“And, what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” She asked.
“The one I asked for – the English girl!”
“Oh, that,” she said, “Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if it is a girl.”