The best short funny family stories.
Read and enjoy it. Hope you have fun!
A tornado hit a farmhouse just before dawn. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county. The wife began to cry.
“Don’t be scared, Susan,” her husband said. “We are not hurt.”
TORNADO – The best short funny family stories
Susan continued to cry. “I’m not scared,” she said between sobs. “I’m happy because this is the first time in 15 years we’ve been out together.”
The new bride went crying to her mother. “Momma, I can’t get my husband to do anything. I want him to fix up the house, but he keeps putting it off.”
TOO OLD – The best short funny family stories
“Honey,” her mother replied, “after being married to your father for thirty-eight years, I’ve found the only way to get him to do anything is to tell him he’s too old to do it.”
Son: Dad, I just graduated and I got my B.A.
Mom: I suppose now you’ll be trying for a Ph.D?
GRADUATION – The best short funny family stories
Pop: No, he’s going to be trying for a J.O.B.
The Master of the House
A solicitor for the Red Cross called upon a well-to-do young couple for a donation. Hearing a commotion inside he knocked extra-loudly on the door.
THE MASTER OF THE HOUSE – The best short funny family stories
A somewhat disheveled man admitted him in. “What can I do for you?” he growled, clearly upset about something.
“I would like to speak to the master of the house,” said the solicitor politely.
“Then you’re just in time,” barked the young man. “My wife and I are settling that very question right now!”
A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store with him. In addition to the healthful items on the carefully prepared shopping list, they returned with a box of sugar-laden cookies.
The man noticed the glare of his wife and said, “This box of cookies has one-third fewer calories than usual.”
FEWER CALORIES – The best short funny family stories
“Why is that?” the mother asked.
“We ate a third of the cookies on the way home,” he replied.
Winning the Lottery
A married couple was having a conversation. The husband asked his wife: “If I ever win the lottery, what would you do?”
The wife’s respond was: “I would take half and leave you!”
WINNING THE LOTTERY – The best short funny family stories
The husband said: “Well, your in luck – I won the lottery! So, here’s $6 and get outta here!”
A nurse brought a beautiful brown-skinned baby into the waiting room and asked the only man pacing, “Is this yours?”
The man said, “It must be. My wife burns everything!”
Looking Through the Family Album
A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother,
BROWN-SKINNED BABY – The best short funny family stories
“Who’s this guy on the beach with you, with all the muscles and curly hair?”
“That’s your father,” said the mother.
The boy seemed astonished as he said to his mom, “Then who’s that old bald-headed fat man that lives with us now?”
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: “Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn’t talk for an hour?”
HAPPIEST HOUR – The best short funny family stories
The husband replied: “Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life.”
One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, William’s dad took him aside. “Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She’s a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.”
William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Diane said yes! We’re getting married in June.”
GETTING MARRIED – The best short funny family stories
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Diane is your half-sister too, William. I’m awfully sorry about this.”
William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. “Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister.”
His mother just shook her head. “Don’t pay any attention to what he says, dear. He’s not really your father.”
Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.
The Indian man said to the American, “You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven’t even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don’t want to marry a woman whom I don’t love… I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.”
FAMILY PROBLEMS – The best short funny family stories
The American said, “Talking about love marriages… I’ll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father’s father-in-law. My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father’s brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father’s son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems?”
Do You Have a Pussy?
A woman is alone at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, “Do you have a pussy?”
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question: “Do you have a pussy?” She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home, she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again”.
The next morning they hear a knock, and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,
“Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen, and if it is the same guy, I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with it”.
DO YOU HAVE A PUSSY? – The best short funny family stories
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough, the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. “Do you have a pussy?”
“Yes,” she says.
The man replies, “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?”
An American woman goes to England to attend a 2-week company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers, “Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”
The husband laughs and says, “An English girl.”
The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, “So, honey, how was the trip?”
“Very good, thank you.”
PRESENT – The best short funny family stories
“And, what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” She asked.
“The one I asked for – the English girl!”
“Oh, that,” she said, “Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if it is a girl.”