Funny weight loss stories part 3

Funny weight loss stories part 3

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Stress Diet

This diet is designed to help you cope with stress, which normally builds up during the day.

Breakfast
1/2 Grapefruit
1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast, Dry
8 oz. Skim Milk

Lunch
4 oz. Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
1 cup Steamed Spinach
1 cup Herb Tea
1 Oreo Cookie

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Rest of the Oreos in the package
2 Pints Rocky Road Ice Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
Nuts, Cherries, Whipped Cream

Dinner
2 Loaves Garlic Bread with Cheese
Large Sausage, Mushroom & Cheese Pizza
4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars

STRESS DIET

STRESS DIET – Funny weight loss stories

You Know It’s Time to Diet When…

You dance and it makes the band skip.

You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

Your driver’s license says, “Picture continued on other side.”

You disappear and they have to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

You could sell shade.

Your blood type is Ragu.

You need an appointment to attend an “open house”.

Cat Miracle Diet

Most diets fail because we stubbornly continue to think and eat like humans. For those us who have never had any success dieting there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! Except for cats that eat like people – such as getting lots of table scraps – most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure as a cat. Just follow this diet for one week and you’ll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!

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DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavour as long as it cost more than seventy-five cents per can. Eat one bite of food then look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the most expensive carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse’s or partner’s plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.

DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up the leftover chicken from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-coloured gourmet cat food – tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

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DAY THREE
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse’s or partner’s cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the nearest polished aluminium appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.

FINAL DAY:
Breakfast: Eat six bugs, assorted varieties, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, and antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse’s or partner’s pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night’s chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.

10 Calorie Diet Plan

Monday
Breakfast: Weak Tea
Lunch: 1 Bouillon Cube in 1/2 Cup of Diluted Water
Dinner: 1 Pigeon Thigh3 oz. Apricot Nectar

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Tuesday
Breakfast: Scraped Crumbs from Burnt Toast
Lunch: Donut Hole (without sugar), 1 Glass Dehydrated Water
Dinner: 2 Jellyfish Skins

Wednesday
Breakfast: 1 Boiled Mushroom
Lunch: 1/2 Dozen Poppy Seeds
Dinner: 6 Bees’ Knees, 6 Mosquito Knuckles Sauteed in Vinegar

Thursday
Breakfast: Shredded Eggshell Skins
Lunch: Belly Buttons from Two Navel Oranges
Dinner: 2 Eyes from Irish Potatoes (smiling, of course)

Friday
Breakfast: 2 Lobster Antennae
Lunch: 1 Guppy Fin, Fried in 1 Gram of Butter and Sherry
Dinner: Filet of Softshell Crab Claw (no meat, just the claw)

Saturday
Breakfast: 4 Pureed Banana Seeds
Lunch: Broiled Liver of Butterfly
Dinner: 3 Shrew Vertebrae

Sunday
Breakfast: 1 Pickled Hummingbird Tongue
Lunch: Prime Rib of Tadpole
Dinner: 10 Shrimp Legs Garnished with 1 Clover Leaf

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