Funny weight loss stories part 2

Funny weight loss stories part 2

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Diet Quips

Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes.
– Author unknown

The older you get the harder it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have become good friends.
– Author unknown

I try to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
– Author unknown

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck and jumping to conclusions.
– Author unknown

I am in shape. Round’s a shape.
– Author unknown

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty snack group, the caffeine group, and the whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is group.
– Author unknown

I’m on a 30-day diet. So far I’ve lost 15 days.
– Author unknown

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells are forever.
– Author unknown

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
– Author unknown

Diet is ‘Die’ with a ‘t’.
– Author unknown

I’m not fat, I’m just short for my weight.
– Author unknown

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
– Author unknown

DIET QUIPS

DIET QUIPS – Funny weight loss stories

Diet Short-Order Jokes

Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat. It’s watching what other people eat.
Diets are for women who not only kept their girlish figure but doubled it.
A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.
The best way to lose weight is by skipping … skipping snacks … skipping desserts.
Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two … alone.
People go to Weight Watchers to learn their lessens.
The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes one weak.
Sweets are the destiny that shape our ends.
A diet is what you go on when not only can’t you fit into the store’s dresses, you can’t fit into the dressing room.
A diet is the modern-day meal in which a family counts its calories instead of its blessings.
For some, dieting is a weigh of life.
On a diet? Go to the paint store. You can get thinner there.
It’s not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it’s the seconds.
It’s something most of us do religiously: We eat what we want and pray we don’t gain weight.
The problem with curbing our appetites is that most of us do it at the drive in window of McDonald’s.
The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.
One guideline applies to fat and thin people alike: If you’re thin, don’t eat fast. If you’re fat, don’t eat – FAST.

Bathroom Scale Diet Tricks

Weigh yourself fully clothed after dinner and again the next morning without clothes and before breakfast, because it’s nice to see how much weight you’ve lost overnight!
Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
When weighing, remove everything, including eyeglasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don’t forget to remove jewelry as it could weigh as much as a pound!
Buy only cheap scales, never the medical kind. Accuracy is the enemy and high quality scales are very accurate.
Always go to the bathroom first.
Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for up to half a pound of hair (hopefully).
Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale. (Air has weight, right?)
Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto a towel rod slowly edge your other foot onto the scale while slowly releasing the towel rod. Admittedly, this takes time, but it’s worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you’d stepped onto the scale normally.

The Toddler Miracle Diet

Faintly flabby earthlings are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don’t get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don’t get enough variation (the liquid diet, or you go broke (the all-meat diet).

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Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem? Or is there slim hope?

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Such is the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two year olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.

After consultation with pediatricians, x-ray technicians, and distraught moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor – otherwise you may have to see him afterward. Good luck!

DAY ONE
Breakfast – One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of the egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Get some in your eyebrows too. It’ll give you something to pick at for several hours of satisfying appetite control.
Lunch – Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest down your leg).
Dinner – A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of stale beer.
Bedtime snack – Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor. Be sure to step on it and hear it go crunch!

DAY TWO
Breakfast – Pick up stale crunched toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Um, yummy!
Lunch – Half a tube of “Pulsating Pink” lipstick and a cigarette (to be eaten, not smoked). One ice cube if desired.
Afternoon snack – Lick an all day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug. Wander away without thought.
Dinner – a rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes, eat with a large strainer spoon, since taking your time is vital to your dieting success.

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DAY THREE
Breakfast – Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in hair. Don’t pull it out later though, it hurts. Glass of milk, drink half, stuff remainder of picked over pancakes into glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday’s suck from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair. Wander away without direction.
Lunch – Three matches, peanutbutter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up. Smear a design on table with remaining milk. It’s good for your artistic expression.
Dinner – Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine and coffee.

FINAL DAY
Breakfast – A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to the dog. Be sure to rub some in dog’s fur just for fun.
Lunch – Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner – A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Discard meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

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