Funny short stories for kids part 4
Turpentine or Holy Water?
Little Johnny was sitting one day on a dock. Along came a preacher and sat down beside him. Little Johnny had a mason jar full of what looked like water and he was turning it over and over, watching the bubbles float through it. The Preacher asked, “What are you doing with that water?” Little Johnny studied the contents of the jar for a moment, then explained, “Preacher, this here is turpentine. It’s the strongest liquid in the world.” The preacher replied, “Son, Holy water is the strongest liquid in the world. Did you know if you rub a little Holy water on a pregnant woman’s belly, she will pass a baby boy?” Little Johnny thought about this one for a minute, and then remarked, “Nope, this here turpentine is still the strongest because if you rub it on a cat’s ass, it can pass a speeding car!”
Funny short stories for kids part 4
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too. Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the children play outside. Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins. Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster. Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots. Full name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him. Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right. Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. Look out: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it. Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own. Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms. Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it. Show off: A child who is more talented than yours. Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it. Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything. Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children. Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies. Two-minute warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. Verbal: Able to whine in words. Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house. Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”
Do People Really Come from Dust?
A little boy came downstairs crying late one night. “What’s wrong?” asked his mother. “Do people really come from dust, like they said in church?” he sobbed. “In a way they do,” said his mother. “And when they die so they turn back to dust?” “Yes, they do.” The little boy began to cry again. “Well, under my bed there’s someone either coming or going.”
A young mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”
The mother went in and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.”
She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.” As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”
Brought by the Stork
A schoolboy was assigned an essay on childbirth and asked his parents “how was I born?” “Well son…” said the slightly prudish parent, “the stork brought you to us.” “OH,” said the boy. “Well, how did you and daddy get born?” he asked. “Oh, the stork brought us too.” “Well how were grandpa and grandma born?” he persisted. “Well darling, the stork brought them too!” said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner. Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: “This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”