Funny short stories for adults

Best funny short stories for adults

Either Screw or Swim

Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a big smile on his face. Mike says, “Pat what are you so happy about?”

“Well Mike i gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxing my boat and a redhead came up to me boobs out to here, Mike…boobs out to here! She says, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ I said, ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat!’ So I took her way out Mike. I turned off the key and said, ‘It’s either screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim Mike, she couldn’t swim!”

The next day Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat siting at tne end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, “Well what are you so happy about today Pat?”
“Well Mike I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat and a beautiful blond came up to me…boobs out to here, Mike, boobs out to here! She said, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ I told her, ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took here way out Mike. Way out much further that the last one. I turned off the key and said, ‘It’s either screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim Mike, she couldn’t swim!”

A couple of days pass and Mike walks into a bar to see Pat down there crying over a beer. Mike says, “Pat what are you so sad about?”

“Well Mike I gotta tell ya…yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat and the most desirable brunette came up to me…boobs way out to here Mike, boobs way out to here. She said, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ I said, ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out Mike, way way out much further than the last two!

funny short stories for adults

Funny short stories for adults

I turned off the key, looked at her boobs and said, ‘It’s either screw or swim!’

She pulled down her pants and…She had a pecker Mike! A great big pecker! And… I can’t swim Mike! I can’t swim!”

Nurse

The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn’t believe it: The nurse’s hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!

“Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!”

Funny short stories for adults

Funny short stories for adults

“Oh,” said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, “It’s those darn interns! They never put anything back when they’re through using it!”

Sexual Statistics

A man boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way my name is Jill. What’s yours?”

Funny short stories for adults

Funny short stories for adults

He coolly replies, “Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you.”

The Rent

“That damn husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker,” the housewife told a neighbor.

“You didn’t do it, did you?”

“I have to admit I did — though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven’t done, though, is tell my husband I’d already paid the rent up for six months!”

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Funny short stories for adults

Funny short stories for adults

Unusual Tattoos

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put “Happy Thanksgiving” under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.

The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with “Merry Christmas” up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, “If you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?”

Funny short stories for adults

Funny short stories for adults

She said, “I’m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there’s nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.”

Boyfriend’s Furlough

The young Swedish au pair had been working for the couple for over a year. While pleasant and hardworking, the girl still struggled with the English language.

One day she informed the Lady of the House, that her boyfriend in the Army was coming for a visit.

“That’s wonderful. How long is his furlough?” asked the lady.
“Oh… about the same as your husband’s, but a little bit thicker,” the au pair replied.

Itchy Pussy

This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts.

Making sure she goes through his line she leans over and asks if he’ll carry her groceries out to which he responds, “Sure lady”.

Funny short stories for adults

Funny short stories for adults

They no sooner get out of the store and she again leans over and whispers, “You know, I have an Itchy Pussy”, to which he responds, “You’ll have to point it out to me lady, all those Japanese cars look alike!!”

Experimental Treatment

Jack goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I’m having trouble getting my penis erect. Can you help me?”

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, “Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There’s really nothing I can do for you unless you are willing to try an experimental treatment.”

Jack asks sadly, “What is this treatment?”

“Well,” the doctor explains, “what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis.”

Jack thinks about it silently then says, “Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let’s go for it.”
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening and took his date to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants.

His date was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, “That was incredible! Can you do that again?”

Jack replied, “Well, I guess so, but I don’t think I can fit another roll in my ass.”

Safety

A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase.

“Honey?”

“Yes, darling?”

“Honey,” he says, in mild exasperation, “why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I’d never be unfaithful.”

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“Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you,” she replies sweetly, “It’s just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you’d be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won’t you? For my peace of mind?”

Funny short stories for adults

Funny short stories for adults

“Oh, alright, if you put it that way,” he relented, “I’ll take it along. But for safety’s sake, better give me more than one!”

Hickey

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.

After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife.

Funny short stories for adults

Funny short stories for adults

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, “Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!”

Hell, she answered, ripping open her blouse, “Look what he did to my tits!”

Free Sex

There was this gas station trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying “Free Sex with Fill-up.” Soon a customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed 8 and the proprietor said, “No, you were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time”.

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed 2 this time, and the proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3. You were close but no free sex this time”.
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t give away free sex”.

The buddy replied, “No, it’s not rigged – my wife won twice last week.”

Discussing Women

Three guys are discussing women.

“I like to watch a woman’s tits best,” the first guy says.

The second says, “I like to look at a woman’s ass.”

He asks the third guy, “What about you?”
“Me? I prefer to see the top of her head.”

Husband’s Penis

Lorena Bobbitt had just cut off her husband’s penis. She was driving down the road, wondering what to do with it, when the thought struck her to toss it out the window. The penis bounced off the windscreen of the car travelling in the opposite direction. “Shit,” said the driver to his passenger. “What kind of bug was that?” “Dunno,” he replied. “But did you see the size of the cock on it?!”

25th Anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

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The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”

Funny short stories for adults

Funny short stories for adults

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”

He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”

Guy Walks into a Drugstore

A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman. He asks, “Can I have a dozen condoms, Miss?” “Don’t Miss me, mister.” “Well then, you better make it 13.”

Young Boy Asked His Mother

A young boy asked his mother “Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?” “Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?” replied by his mother. The young boy answered, “The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary.”

Funny short stories for adults

Funny short stories for adults

Screwdriver

The limousine was taking the beautiful raven-haired model to the airport. Halfway there, the front tire went flat. The model said, “Driver, I don’t have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?”

The driver said, “Sure.”

He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn’t get the wheel cover off. The model saw him struggling and asked, “Do you want a screwdriver?”

He said “Sure! But, first I have to change this tire.”

Ladder to Success

A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder. Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds. Curious, he begins to climb. Before long, he is in the clouds. He looks around and sees the most horribly ugly woman he has ever seen in his life. Obese, snaggle-toothed, matted hair… She looks at him, beckons, and says, “Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success.” Well, having no intention of doing anything with this woman, the man climbs higher up the ladder. A bit further on, he comes upon a woman slightly less ugly than the woman before. Not attractive, by any means, but not repugnant. “Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success”, she says. Again, the man elects to continue his climb. Before long, he comes upon another woman. This one is actually attractive. Not a knock-out, but very pleasing. “Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success.” Well, he figures the women keep getting better and better looking as he gets higher and higher. So he decides to continue climbing. A bit farther up is the most gorgeous woman he’s ever seen in his life! Miss America beautiful. In a sultry voice she says, “Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success.” Well, needless to say he is very tempted. But he just can’t imagine what could top this woman, so he decides to climb higher. On the next cloud up is a horrid 500 lb man. You can see the lice in his hair, he stinks, his clothes are ratty… “Who are you?” our climber asks in horror. Grinning a toothless grin, the man looks at him and says, “Hi. I’m Cess.” –

Funny short stories for adults
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