Funny medical jokes

The best funny medical jokes.

Read and enjoy it. Hope you have fun when you read the best funny medical jokes.

The Supernatural?

There was a case in one hospital’s Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays. So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11… Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

THE SUPERNATURAL?

THE SUPERNATURAL? – Funny medical jokes

Memory Problems

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor’s, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, “Where are you going?”

He replies, “To the kitchen.”

She asks, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

He replies, “Sure.”

She then asks him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”

He says, “No, I can remember that.”

MEMORY PROBLEMS

MEMORY PROBLEMS – Funny medical jokes

She then says, “Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you’ll forget that.”
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He says, “I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

She replies, “Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.”

With irritation in his voice, he says, “I don’t need to write that down I can remember that.”

He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

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She stares at the plate for a moment and says, “You forgot my toast.”

Surgeons Talk

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”

The second said, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”

The third said, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.”

SURGEONS TALK

SURGEONS TALK – Funny medical jokes

The fourth one said, “I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable.”

The Discharge

Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge.

The Doctor said, “Get undressed, Mrs. Cohn, and lie down on the examining table.”

She did, whereupon the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her private parts.
After a couple of minutes he asked, “How does that feel?”

THE DISCHARGE

THE DISCHARGE – Funny medical jokes

“Wonderful,” she replied, “but the discharge is from my ear!”

The Explanation Was Quite Simple

An Irish surgeon who had couched a cataract and restored the sight of a poor woman in Dublin, observed in her case what he deemed a phenomenon in optics; on which he called together his professional brethren, declaring himself unequal to the solution.

He stated to them that the sight of his patient was so perfectly restored, that she could see to thread the smallest needle, or to perform any other operation, which required particular accuracy of vision; but that when he presented her with a book, she was not capable of distinguishing one letter from another!

This very singular case excited the ingenuity of all the gentlemen present, and various solutions were offered, but none could command the general assent.

THE EXPLANATION WAS QUITE SIMPLE

THE EXPLANATION WAS QUITE SIMPLE – Funny medical jokes

Doubt crowded on doubt, and the problem grew darker from every explanation, when at length, by a question put by the servant who attended, it was discovered that the woman never learned to read!

The Rorschach Test

A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist suggests they start with a Rorschach test. He holds up the first picture and asks the man what he sees.

“A man and a woman making love in a park,” the man replies.

The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what he sees. “A man and a woman making love in a boat.”

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He holds up the third picture. “A man and a woman making love at the beach.” This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he sees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures.

THE RORSCHACH TEST

 Funny medical jokes

At the end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says, “It looks like you have a preoccupation with sex.”

And the man replies, “Well, you’re the one with the dirty pictures.”

Delicate Prescription

Two good friends are out driving on Route 66 and one guy has to take a leak. Being in the middle of nowhere they pull over by some shrubbery and the guy goes to relieve himself.

Suddenly, he screams “Aaagh! a rattler bit my cock!”

“Relax!” says his friend, “I’ll go find a pay phone and call a doctor.”

So his friend drives off and finds a pay phone, call a doctor and asks what he should do.

“Well,” said the doc,” you must cut crosses in the wound and suck out the poison.”

“Is that the only way Doc?” asked the man.

DELICATE PRESCRIPTION

DELICATE PRESCRIPTION – Funny medical jokes

“Yes, you must do that or he’ll die.”

He finally gets back to friend and his friend asked “So, what did the doctor say?”

“You’re gonna die, buddy. You’re gonna die.”

Exhausted All the Time

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

“Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday,” she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

EXHAUSTED ALL THE TIME

EXHAUSTED ALL THE TIME – Funny medical jokes

“I can’t,” says the woman. “That’s the only night I’m home with my husband.”

The Patch

During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications.

“Which one?”, asked the doctor.

“The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!”

THE PATCH

THE PATCH – Funny medical jokes

The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn’t see… Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Swallowed Razor Blade

“Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor blade.”

“Don’t panic, I’m coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?”

SWALLOWED RAZOR BLADE

– Funny medical jokes

“Yes, I shaved with the electric razor.”

Tremor

“Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”

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“Do you drink a lot?” “Not really – I spill most of it!”

TREMOR

TREMOR – Funny medical jokes

Pregnant Wife

A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.

“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”

PREGNANT WIFE

PREGNANT WIFE – Funny medical jokes

Rubber Gloves

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated:

“I’m afraid we’re going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you.”

RUBBER GLOVES

Rubber gloves – Funny medical jokes

“Well, if it’s just because of them, I’d rather pay for them if you just leave me alone.”

 

How It Hurts

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions.

She replies, “Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?”

The doctor answered, “Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it’s difficult to describe pain.”

HOW IT HURTS

HOW IT HURTS – Funny medical jokes

“I know, but can’t you give me some idea?” she asks.

“Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…”

“Like this?”

“A little more…”

“Like this?”

“No. A little more…”

“Like this?”

“Yes. Does that hurt?”

“A little bit.”

“Now stretch it over your head!”

Burning Sensation

One day, a man went to the doctor because he was getting a burning sensation every time that he pooped. The doctor told him that in order to get rid of it, he would need to clean out his colon once a week for the next month. He gave the man a cleaning rod and shoved it up his butt for the first cleaning.

The man took the rod home and a week later tried to attempt the cleaning himself. However, he couldn’t get it in at the right angle by himself so he called in his wife. She sympathetically shoved it up and cleaned his colon for him when he let out a gasp. “What is it Sweetheart?” asked his wife.

BURNING SENSATION

BURNING SENSATION – Funny medical jokes

“I just realized,” answered the man “that when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders!”

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