Funny dirty jokes part 2
A wife woke up from her night’s sleep and began recounting her dream to her husband. “I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks in this place, “she began, “the big ones went for a tenner and the thick ones went for 20.” “How about the ones like mine?” asked her husband. “Those they gave away,” she replied tongue in cheek. “I had a dream too,” started the husband. “I dreamt they were auctioning off fannies. The pretty ones went for a 1000 and the little tight ones went for double that!” “And how much for the ones like mine?” enquired the wife to her husband. “That’s where they held the auction,” he replied.
Dream – Funny dirty jokes
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the husband said, “Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don’t knock out any windows. It’ll cost us a fortune to fix.” The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, “I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let’s go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost.” They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, “Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, “Are you the people who broke my window?” “Uh, yeah. Sorry about that,” the husband replied. “No, actually, I want to thank you. I’m a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You’ve released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes – I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.” “Okay, great!” the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.” “No problem – it’s the least I could do. And you, what do you want?” the genie said, looking at the wife. “I want a house in every country of the world,” she said. “Consider it done,” the genie replied. “And what’s your wish, genie?”, the husband said. “Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.” The husband looked at the wife and said, “Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don’t care.” The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, “How old is your husband, anyway?” “Thirty-five,” she replied. “And he still believes in genies?.. That’s amazing.”
A husband and wife decided they needed to use “code” to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, “Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter”. The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.” The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, “Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.” The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, “Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.”
Sperm Bank Robbery
A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. “Open the fucking safe!” he yells at the girl behind the counter. “But we’re not a real bank” replies the girl. “This is a sperm bank, we don’t hold money”. “Don’t argue just open the safe or I’ll blow your fucking head off!”. She obliges and opens the safe door. “Take one of the bottles and drink it!” “But it’s full of sperm” the girl replies nervously. “Don’t argue, just drink it” he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down. “Take out another one and drink it too!” he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl’s amazement it’s her husband… “Not that fucking difficult is it?” he says.
A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood.
His wife answered, “Not tonight dear I have a headache.”
The man replied, “Is that your final answer”? She said, “Yes.”
He said. “Ok, then, I’d like to phone a friend.”
The Best Friend
A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp. “Wow,” said the bartender. “Something bad musta happened.” “I came home early today,” answered the guy. “I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend.” The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. “This one’s on the house.” The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender asked, “Did you say anything to your wife?” The guy answered, “Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through. ‘Pack your bag’s and get out!’ I told her.” “What about your friend?” asked the bartender. “I looked him straight in the eye and said, ‘Bad dog!’”