Funny dirty jokes

The best funny dirty jokes

Unusual Tattoos

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put “Happy Thanksgiving” under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.

The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with “Merry Christmas” up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, “If you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?”

UNUSUAL TATTOOS. Best funny dirty jokes

UNUSUAL TATTOOS. Best funny dirty jokes

She said, “I’m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there’s nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.”

Boyfriend’s Furlough

The young Swedish au pair had been working for the couple for over a year. While pleasant and hardworking, the girl still struggled with the English language.

One day she informed the Lady of the House, that her boyfriend in the Army was coming for a visit.

“That’s wonderful. How long is his furlough?” asked the lady.

“Oh… about the same as your husband’s, but a little bit thicker,” the au pair replied.

Birthrate

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, anthropologist and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.

While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.

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BIRTHRATE.Best funny dirty jokes

BIRTHRATE. Best funny dirty jokes

“Sure,” said the druggist. “Every morning the six o’clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it’s too late to go back to sleep, and it’s too early to get up.”

Fourteen Canaries

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life, and it’s clear that they’re trying to one-up each other. The first one says, “My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation,” and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, “Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,” and looks about with considerable pride. Young woman number three says, “Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don’t have much money and we don’t have many material possessions.

FOURTEEN CANARIES.Best funny dirty jokes

FOURTEEN CANARIES. Best funny dirty jokes

However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect thing.” After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, “Girls, I’ve got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it’s not to the French Riviera, it’s to my folks’ house in Terre Haute for two weeks.” The second one says, “Your honesty has shamed me. It’s not a Mercedes; it’s a Plymouth.” “Well, I’ve got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg.”

Great Sex Position

Q: What do you call a 6.9? A: A great sex position fucked up by a period!

GREAT SEX POSITION.Best funny dirty jokes

GREAT SEX POSITION. Best funny dirty jokes

Breaking Up the Monotony

Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring. “Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don’t you try playing doctor for an hour?” “Sounds great,” Steve replied, “but how do you make it last for an hour?” “Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!”

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BREAKING UP THE MONOTONY. Best funny dirty jokes

BREAKING UP THE MONOTONY. Best funny dirty jokes

Free Sex

A man is driving down the freeway when he sees a sign that says, “Get gas and free sex here”. So obviously the guy was interested, so he stopped, filled up went inside to pay. “Pick a number from 1 – 10 to get free sex.” said the cashier. “Uh, okay, 3!” the man replied. “Nope! Sorry play again”. So the guy drove around for weeks always getting gas at the same place, because he wanted his free sex. One day he was really ticked: “This has got to be rigged! I have never gotten the number to have free sex!” He screamed. “Oh no! It’s not rigged, just ask your wife, she won 3 times last week alone!”

Three Things a Man Wants in Life

A husband, wife and their seven-year-old son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says “I’ll have a chocolate cone, and my wife here will have a vanilla.” He then slaps his son on the back of the head and says: “What do you want, fat-head?” The lady behind the counter, shocked, says, “Why did you call him that?” “I’ll tell you why,” says the dad. “There’s really only three things a man wants in life.

THREE THINGS A MAN WANTS IN LIFE.

THREE THINGS A MAN WANTS IN LIFE. Best funny dirty jokes

First, he wants a nice big truck. See that nice big truck parked outside? That’s mine. Second, he wants a nice big house. I have one of the biggest houses in town. Third, and most important, he wants a nice tight pussy and I had that too until fat-head here came along.”

Do You Have a Pussy?

A woman is alone at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady, “Do you have a pussy?”

She slams the door in disgust.

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The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question: “Do you have a pussy?” She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home, she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again”.

DO YOU HAVE A PUSSY

DO YOU HAVE A PUSSY? Best funny dirty jokes

The next morning they hear a knock, and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,
“Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen, and if it is the same guy, I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with it”.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough, the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. “Do you have a pussy?”

“Yes,” she says.

The man replies, “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?”

John and Sam

One day John looks over the fence and spies Sam’s wife, naked, watering the garden. When Sam gets home from work, John brags to him that he’s seen his wife naked.

Sam wants revenge, so that night creeps over to John’s yard and catches sight of John’s wife performing oral sex.

The next day, Sam approaches John at the mailbox. “Hey, I saw your wife performing oral sex on you last night.”

“Ha ha, the joke’s on you,” John says, “I wasn’t home last night!”

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