Funny business jokes

The best funny business jokes

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A Week Off

Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.

“I started a new practice last year,” the first one said. “I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months.”

“Why in the world would you do that?” the other asked.

Debtors and Creditors

“What is a debtor, Pa?”

“A man who owes money.”

“And what is a creditor?”

A Week Off

A Week Off – Funny business jokes

Loan

A man went into a bank and almost on hands and knees, begged for a loan. He needed the money desperately to feed his family. The banker okayed the loan and in no time at all handed the borrower a check in the amount of the loan. The banker said, “I’d suggest you go right out and buy some food.”

The borrower looked at the banker indignantly and answered, “Don’t tell me what to do with my money!”

Loan

Loan – Funny business jokes

Selling Assholes

Two businessmen were taking a break while setting up their soon-to-open store’s shelving units. There they sat, in the middle of nothing but empty shelves. One said, “I bet any minute now some smart aleck will stick his head in the door and ask what we’re selling.”

Within minutes, a man did just that, “Hey, boys, whacha sellin’?”

One businessmen responded sarcastically, “We’re selling assholes.”

Selling Assholes

Selling Assholes – Funny business jokes

Three for a Dollar

A grocer put up a sign that read “Eggplants, 25¢ each – three for a dollar.”

All day long, customers came in exclaiming: “Don’t be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!”

Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, “Aren’t you going to fix the mistake on your sign?”

Three for a Dollar

Three for a Dollar – Funny business jokes

“What mistake?” the grocer asked. “Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant.”

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Manager on a Farm – Funny business jokes

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.

The farmer told him to clean the poop of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.

The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.

Desk of an urban farm manager
Desk of an urban farm manager

Manager on a Farm – Funny business jokes

The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty.

The farmer asked the manager: “How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?”

The manager answered: “Listen, all my life I’m cutting heads and dealing with poop, but now you ask me to make decisions.”

Expensive Monkeys

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.
He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, “That’ll be $5000.” The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

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Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?”

The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can program in C – very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”

Expensive Monkeys

 

Expensive Monkeys – Funny business jokes

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. “That one’s even more expensive – $10,000! What does it do?”

“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?”

The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but it says it’s a consultant.”

Chopsticks

A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said “Chopsticks are provided only on request.”

“But,” the man countered, “if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn’t have to pay someone to wash all the forks.”

“True,” the waiter shot back, “but we’d have to hire three more people to sweep the floor.”

Chopsticks

Chopsticks – Funny business jokes

Consultant

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the edge of a desert road. Suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee screeches to a halt next to him. The driver a young, a man dressed in a Brioni suit, Ceruti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie, gets out and asks the shepherd, “If I guess how many sheep you have, would you give me one of them?”

The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the sheep, “All right.”

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The young man parks the car, connects his notebook to his cell phone, enters a NASA site, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms, then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer.

“You have exactly 1,586 sheep,” he declares.

“That’s correct,” says the shepherd. “You may take the sheep.”

The young man takes the sheep and puts it in the back of his car.

Consultant.png

Consultant – Funny business jokes

The shepherd asks, “If I guess your profession, will you return my sheep?”

“Why not?” answers the young man.

“You’re a Consultant,” declares the shepherd confidently.

“That’s amazing! How did you guess so quickly and easily?” asks the man.

“Very simple,” replies the shepherd. “First you came here without being called. Secondly, you charge me to tell me something I already knew. And thirdly, you do not understand anything about what I do. And lastly you took my sheepdog…”

Good Customer

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner. The price of a pretzel was 25 cents.

Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke.

Good Customer

Good Customer – Funny business jokes

One day as the man passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him, “Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents.”

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