The best funny short animal stories
Three Dogs at the Veterinarian’s
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian’s. One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing.
The second dog turned to him and asked, “What are you in here for, buddy?”
“I’m in big trouble,” he said. “My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the seats. Now he’s having me put to sleep.”
“I know how you feel,” said the second dog. “My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn’t help myself–I crapped all over their nice carpet and ruined it. They’re having me put to sleep, too.”
Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. “So what are you in here for?” they asked.
“Well,” said the third dog. “My owner likes to do her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa, and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life!”
Three Dogs at the Veterinarian’s – Best funny short animal stories
The other dogs nodded in sympathy, “So she’s having you put to sleep too, huh?”
“No,” said the third dog. “I’m having my nails clipped.”
Baby snake: Mommy, are we poisonous?
Mother snake: Yes honey, but why do you want to know?
Baby snake: Well, I just bit my tongue…
POISONOUS – Best funny short animal stories
Get On the Ball
Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.
GET ON THE BALL – Best funny short animal stories
So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn’t even wiggle.
Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, “Whoa! What are we going to do?”
Said the other ant, “I don’t know about you, but I’m going to get on the ball.”
A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions. “Davy, what noise does a cow make?” “It goes moo.” “Alice, what noise does a cat make?” “It goes meow.” “Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?” “It goes baaa.” “Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?” “Errr.., it goes.. click!”
ANIMAL SOUNDS – Best funny short animal stories
A guy sees an advertisement in a pet-shop window: “Talking Centipede $100.” The guy goes in and buys it. He gets home, opens the box and asks the centipede if he wants to go for a beer. The centipede doesn’t answer, so the guy closes the lid, convinced he’s been swindled. Thirty minutes later he decides to try again. He raises his voice and shouts, “Do you want to go for a beer?” The centipede pokes his head out of the box and says, “Pipe down! I heard you the first time. I’m putting on my shoes!”
TALKING CENTIPEDE – Best funny short animal stories
An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made. “For instance,” he said, “some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles.”
“What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?” asked a sarcastic member of the group.
WHALES COMMUNICATE – Best funny short animal stories
“I’m not absolutely sure,” answered the expert, “but it sounds something like this: ‘He-e-e-e-y! Can you hear me now?'”
Old Snake Goes to See His Doctor
An old snake goes to see his Doctor. “Doc, I need something for my eyes…can’t see well these days.”
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.
OLD SNAKE GOES TO SEE HIS DOCTOR – Best funny short animal stories
Doc says, “What’s the problem…didn’t the glasses help you?”
“The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!”
Two male dog owners are bragging about how wonderful their respective hounds are.
First dog owner says, “My dog is so clever that he waits by the front door every morning for the delivery boy to put the newspaper through the letterbox and then bring it to me in the kitchen to read whilst I eat breakfast.”
DOG OWNERS – Best funny short animal stories
“I know,” said the second dog owner smugly, “my dog told me”.
The Elephant and the Ant
One day, while an elephant was walking through the woods, she got a thorn stuck in her foot. She saw an ant passing and asked him to help her get the thorn out. The ant asked, “What do I get in return?” The elephant replied, “If you get it out, I’ll have sex with you.” So the ant gets busy taking the thorn out.
THE ELEPHANT AND THE ANT – Best funny short animal stories
When he finally gets it out he looks up at the elephant and says “OK it’s out, are you ready?”. The elephant thinks, “Hey, what’s a little ant gonna do anyways?” The ant climbs up and starts to work away. Just then a monkey overhead drops a coconut on the elephant’s head. “Ouch” screams the elephant, and the ant responds, “Yeah take it all bitch.”
There were two cows in a paddock, enjoying the sun and eating some grass. The first cow said “Moo”. And the second cow said “That’s funny, I was just about to say that.”
TWO COWS – Best funny short animal stories
A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, “Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?” A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, “It’s my dog. Why?” “Well,” squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, “I believe my dog just killed it, sir.” “What?” roared the big man in disbelief. “What in the hell kind of dog do you have?” “Sir,” answered the little man, “It’s a four week old puppy.” “Bull!” roared the biker, “How could your puppy kill my Doberman?” “It appears that he choked on it, sir.”
DOBERMAN’S DEATH – Best funny short animal stories
Why a Dog Licks His Ass
You know why a dog licks his ass? Because he knows in five minutes he’ll be licking your face.
WHY A DOG LICKS HIS ASS – Best funny short animal stories
Lawyer and Sheep
A lawyer from New York was transfered to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there he noticed that the town was populated solely by men. He asked one of the local cowboys, “What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?” The cowboy replied, “See them thar’sheep up on thet hill. We just go git us one.” “That is disgusting and barbaric!!” replied the lawyer. After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though, if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep to bed.
LAWYER AND SHEEP – Best funny short animal stories
After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm. The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief. The lawyer said, “You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I’m some sort of freak for doing what you’ve been doing all along. I’m just doing it with more class.” “That ain’t the problem,” replied one cowboy. “That’s the sheriff’s gal you’re with.”
Rooster in Pants
A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, “What the hell is that all about?”
ROOSTER IN PANTS – Best funny short animal stories
The farmer says, “We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm. There ain’t nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other.”
This man goes into the doctor with his ringhole in a terrible state, really bad now. Doctor: “What happened to you?” He says: “I was in Africa on safari and I got raped by an elephant!” Doctor: “But I don’t understand. Elephant penises are very narrow and couldn’t cause that much damage!” He says “Aah but you see doctor, he fingered me first!”
RINGHOLE – Best funny short animal stories
Difference Between Rotwieler and Poodle
What’s the difference between a rotwieler and a poodle? If a rotwieler starts humping your leg you let it finish.
What is the worst thing that can happen to a bat while it sleeps?
BAT’S NIGHTMARE – Best funny short animal stories
Mad Cow Disease
Two cows are standing in a field. One says to the other “Are you worried about mad cow disease?”
MAD COW DISEASE -Best funny short animal stories
The other one says “No, it doesn’t worry me, I’m a horse!”